I drive myself crazy

[APRILE KATHRINE PRINCE]

Aprile walked into the room, her eyes flickering around the way the place was set up. It wasn't the first time she'd been here, yet everytime she entered, it surprised her how... different this certain office looked compared to the rest of the places where she'd been. Surprise wasn't something Aprile was used to anymore. Being a part of the Regime... being a part of leading the Regime, it'd forced Aprile to become used to the fact that everything was safe... everything was known.

All that was unknown wasn't to be looked into. It was her and Albus, who set the rules, and the others had to abide by it.

She inhaled as her eyes dropped on a picture which lay on the slab above the fireplace in the room. Aprile shifted closer, to get a better look. It was a small frame with a picture of a teen male flying on a broomstick with a ball held in his arm. A gasp escaped Aprile's lips, and her first instinct was to whip out her wand and destroy it. But she resisted. She stared at the picture for a longer time, trying to get used to it.

A small voice inside her head was shouting at her telling her that the picture wasn't correct, it went against the norm, all that the Regime believed in.

But she was determined to change that. Change the way her mind now worked. Free... free herself from the prison she was trapped in at the moment. She glared at the picture, trying to get her eyes accustomed to it... accustomed to the freedom... the gladness of it. She was surprised, truth be told, that this picture had managed to survive the ministry inspection of every house. She asummed that Tammy must have really cared for whoever the male was in the picture to save it.

Aprile turned her back to the picture, she couldn't bare to stare at it any longer. She was far too conflicted at the moment, she still wasn't completely ready to be facing too much at once.

She bit her bottom lip, and her eyes searched the empty room, halting at the door, waiting for Tammy to come in at any second. They were supposed to be meeting today, in order to help Aprile regain control of her mind. To allow her to think freely once more, to help her be a woman who could stand on her own two feet, and take pride in who she was, rather than just be another puppet, influenced to the core by the New Regime.

[TAMMY SILISIA DE'ATH]

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The rain had persistently pounded against the lush landscape for hours, and although it was only a soft rain, it had drenched all. Tammy herself was caught out in the determined rain. Her life was pretty unusual for a witch. She tended to hide behind a muggle’s guise, hardly lingering in the wizarding world. Of course, it did not help that she was probably one of the most wanted on the Regime’s list of criminals. Traffic, back up for miles, had been her scenery for the last half an hour. Sighing, she wished that she had just apparated to work. However, it was not exactly safe. She was not sure if the Regime had blocked that means of transportation yet, monitoring each person going through. Of course, when she was in France, it did not matter. Until she had built up a reputable identity as Tanya Pauw, she would have to use more crude means to get around. Everybody was used to her little idiosyncrasies. Tanya Pauw was a muggle born, brought up in a world filled with modern technology. As she was, herself, eccentric and very patient, she had ditched the wizard way of merely popping up places.

Everybody accepted this queer behaviour and found Tanya herself to be quaint and precious in her little way. As the traffic encroached the turnoff, Tammy became a little impatient. Tammy herself was a pureblood, and her little faux identity at times was a little frustrating. She had to admit that the house she lived in was cosy enough, overlooking the country side just outside of London itself. Finally, she escaped the confines of the muggle world around her and managed to get to work. She glanced at her watch. d**n! Fine minutes late. She hated being late, it really looked tacky. She grabbed her bag, and leapt from the car. The large building was about one hundred years old. It was quite an imposing structure. Tammy made her way up the steps, and stopped at the door, typed in her security code and made her way through the door. She gave a quick greeting to the secretary before bustling through her own door. On the inside, all personality had been removed from the old building. The floors were white tiled and everything had a clinical hospital feel. Upstairs, they did have a long term ward. Tammy, however, had very little to do with that. She was more one of the psychologists that had day visit patients.

Tammy brushed her faux black hair out of her face; Tanya’s hair. It was strange giving up her natural blonde her for pitch black. She had also changed her normal attire to a more feminine look. It was strange wearing such frilly outfits, but they certainly disguised her. Smiling, and looking rather flustered, she smiled at a rather tense looking Aprile.
“Hello,” she said breathlessly.“Sorry I’m late. Please, take a seat!”
She indicated to a red two-seater situated furthest from the door. Tammy put her own things down before taking her wand out and checking the room for bugs. She sealed off the door from any eavesdroppers.

“Never can be too safe,” she explained while she made the final check of the room before taking her own seat. She smiled warmly at Aprile, gently leaning her body into the conversation.
“How was your week?” she asked, starting off the questions lightly, offering Aprile to being up any issue that she wanted to address. The only thing was that Tammy doubted this was the best idea meeting here. Albus also came here and he was sure to recognise Aprile. She frowned to herself, making a mental note to breach the topic. The only thing that stopped Tammy from being caught was that the only person in the Regime that knew how she looked was her twin who was very much above getting therapy. She paused and looked to the door. Nalean should be around here.
“You know about Nalean right? Perhaps it would be better if she were here too,” she said softly.

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&bull TAGS;; Open
&bull NOTES;; Yay first post!
&bull WORDS;; 678
&bull OUTFIT;;

[NALEAN KAILYN SILVERSTAR]

watch out stay awake they're lurking
, obsess you they are always working .

---

Nalean groaned as she walked out the building. It was still raining and she needed to meet Tammy at the hospital. She sighed and pulled a raincoat out of her backpack, she wished that Tammy hadn't banned her from apparating but Tammy was worried that Nalean's father might have the regime out looking for her. She didn't see why her father would bother, he had never cared about her before. Why would he start now? She sighed, she hadn't had any communication with anyone in her family except her brother since she had graduated from Hogwarts.

Nalean pulled on the raincoat and headed out into the gentle downpour. She unlocked her bicycle cursing Tammy silently, she did think that Tammy acted a bit paranoid at times. She simply shook her head as she mounted her bicycle and turned it in the direction of the hospital. As she peddled along she quickly glanced down at her watch and cursed softly, she was late. Although it wasn't her fault entirely, Tammy had suggested that Nalean take a few classes at a local university until she could figure out what career she wanted to follow. But then Nalean couldn't even blame Tammy for that, after all she had picked what classes she was taking. She sighed, maybe she should have taken Vincent up on his offer and gone to St. Mungo's to become a healer. She turned her bicycle up the road to the Psychiatric hospital, she had gone over this a hundred times in her head and she still couldn't decide what to do with her life. When she had been younger she had thought that her destiny was to become an auror, but the regime had made sure that her dream hadn't become reality. She sighed with relief when she reached the psychiatric hospital's large, imposing structure.

She quickly located a post and chained her bicycle to it. She entered the building, typed her code in and hurried through the door. She gave the secretary a wave as she entered through another door. She pulled off her raincoat, and stuffed it back in her backpack as she hurried through the corridor. She shivered slightly, the corridors in here always freaked her out slightly. It was the lack of personality that lingered here. Nalean was sure that they didn't need to remove the personality from the building.

She quickly located Tammy's office, of course here Tammy was Tanya Pauw, psychologist, not Tammy De'ath, leader of the rebellion. She gently knocked on the door before entering the room. "Hi, sorry I'm late, got caught up" she said nodding at Tammy. She smiled warmly at the other woman in the room, "You must be Aprile, I'm Nalean" she said

TAGS:open
NOTES:YAY!
WORDS:455

[APRILE KATHRINE PRINCE]

Aprile allowed Tammy, or rather Tanya's comments to slide, as she moved forwards and took a seat. Aprile was still trying to get over the picture that she'd seen a moment ago... the freedom, the happiness... it was all radiating from the young male zooming around, and it was oh so obvious! Was that what The Regime was... what she had been stealing from the wizarding community? No... The Regime was enforced in order to protect the people! To make sure nothing like Voldemort was ever seen by the wizarding folk ever again... they were merely playing safe. If only Albus could see what he was doing... Aprile sighed, biting her lip as her eyes flickered over to Tammy.

"My week has been fine," she replied automatically- it was sort of robotic. That was a common reply that you were expected to hear from other people, either that, or the opposite, where you could perhaps mention what had possibly gone wrong... but under the New Regime, there was hardly much that could go wrong! Except perhaps... something or the other physically hurting you due to utter foolishness. But yet, accidents were always minimal. Aprile sighed, she was doing it again. Going against everything that she was here to do.

She licked her lips, and crossed her legs, trying make herself more comfortable, ready to speak again, but that's when another voice entered the room. A beautiful blonde lady walked in, and Aprile's lips switched into an automatic smile, to look pleased, happy to see the person. It was a normal reaction to all who were living under the laws of the new regime, everyone greeted the other with a pleasant, warm smile. Grouchy, unkind behaviour wasn't tolerable. Aprile's smile wiped itself off her face. This wasn't right. She didn't know the female... how could she possibly be happy to see her? Curious, sure. Happy, no.

"I've heard quite a bit about you, but never really met you." Aprile stood up, and as she did she tried to convince herself that the action was merely one that she wanted to do, not something that'd been fed into her via the Regime. "And yes I'm Aprile." her short replies may come off as abrupt, but at the moment that was something that Aprile didn't mind coming across as. At least it was something different compared to the constant happiness or slight anger that she forced herself to feel. For once, she was feeling something else, something... different, and it wasn't that bad.

"I'm sorry, it's apparent I haven't made much progress." she apologized, her tongue formal as it always was, as she sat back down, and crossed her legs once more. It made it easier... admitting what was wrong. Using words to speak her mistakes aloud. It had a strange impact on her... she felt weird, as she heard it. "I spent most of my time indoors, seeing Albus has me postered all over the country." The words came out with difficulty, she still couldn't bare to think of Albus in a bad light. She still... sh still cared for him. She hadn't realized it at the time, because she hadn't been allowed to feel that certain emotion. Now that she thought of it... she had grown to care for the male, whether he realized it or not. And she hated to think ill of him. One, it went against the norm for it, and two, it just didn't feel right.

But that didn't change that Albus was in the wrong. And she had to help do something about it. That is why she was here. To get herself thinking right. To become a part of the Rebellion, to help stop Albus in time, before he did more damage than he'd already done. "I apparated directly into the hospital, and well, Polyjuice potion has been my best friend lately." she laughed feebly at her vague, dry attempt at humour, before sighing.

"I've been thinking..." she mused, smiling quietly to herself at the sound of the words. She'd been... thinking, something that was against the law now, something that she hadn't done in a while. Something that felt so natural to her now that she'd embraced the possiblity of it. "... and perhaps I ought to take on a new name, and maybe face as well? Albus can recognize me fairly easily at any point." she bit her bottom lip. "I'll perhaps go by the name Tia Carmichael? My aunty... her maiden name had been Carmichael. I'm sure I could go by as her brother's daughter. He wasn't all that well known, and in all honety wasn't married... but well.." she trailed off, shrugging slightly as she breathed out and looked back up at the blonde and the dark haired women.

"... is that alright?"

[TAMMY SILISIA DE'ATH]

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Bustling thoughts drifted in and out of Tammy’s mind, weaving into her conscious world and diverging into the space around her. She found it difficult to stop the thought rampage and concentrate on nothing but the person in front of her. She once again brushed a strand of black hair from her face as she critically examined Aprile. She was well aware the young girl was having trouble adjusting from her old life to the path she had left for it. A gentle smile awoke on her features. The slight bite of the lip and the unsure gaze in her eyes was a definite indication to how she was feeling.
“Is there anything that’s bothering you? You seem very uncomfortable,” she reflected, trying to create an accurate picture of Aprile’s situation. Tammy could try pretending she knew what she was feeling but it would not quite be the same. In order to help Aprile, Tammy had to gain an accurate view of how Aprile saw her world. She gently tipped her body slightly forward in her seat, displaying her openness to hearing what Aprile had to say. They were all trained techniques that had become second nature for Tammy.

As Aprile replied, thoughtlessly falling into the general answer to most questions, Tammy’s smile turned to that of disbelief, challenging Aprile to open up more about what was happening.
“What happened this week?” Tammy gently pressed on for a more truthful answer. A small smiled touched her lips as the disbelief evaporated from her expression. She knew Aprile would need a little more guidance in starting to open up. The Regime had fought against fee thought and trying to undo all of that work would definitely be a challenge for Tammy. A small amount of outrage boiled up at the injustice of it all. However, she brushed her own feeling away with no facial indication of her own emotion. Helping Aprile would help Tammy herself in understanding the workings of the Regime and to build up some kind of compassion for those who created it.

Tammy kept her eyes on Aprile as she was trying to become settled in. As Nalean walked in, she barely twitched her head in Nalean’s direction. She was quite sure that her friend knew what to do by this time. She was however, interested to see the pleased smile of greeting that lay upon Aprile’s lips. A small frown touched her brow. Not even a hint of distrust or curiosity lit her eyes. There just seemed to be a practised happiness. Interesting, she mused to herself. She would bring up subjects like that when Aprile voiced them herself or if Aprile relied on her to find a topic of conversation. As Aprile greeted Nalean, Tammy turned and smile at her blonde friend.
“It’s alright, I was a bit late too,” she smiled slightly in greeting. “Feel free to add in your opinion, if Aprile so allows.”
She turned her attention quickly back to Aprile, aware that she was going to speak. It was not right to keep much attention on Nalean in a session meant for somebody else. however, Tammy did believe that the down to earth young adult may help Aprile remember was it was like to be free of thought and inhibition.

“Don’t apologise,” Tammy said softly. “Such progress does not come easily and the internal shifts will be made long before the external ones are seen. Your admittance of that is a step in itself.”
She wanted to encourage her not to be disheartened at a seeming lack of progress. It would not do Aprile any good to digress because she thought she was not making any steps forward. Tammy nodded at her next words, mulling the words over in her head. She broke eye contact as she thought of what to reply to that. It seemed that there was an emotion behind what was said.
“What are you feeling now? What do you feel toward Albus?” she asked softly, trying to pin point her feelings about her status as a most wanted, and being hunted by her own friend. There was no right answer of course. Tammy could imagine that Aprile must be feeling very torn and vulnerable. It was just an assumption of course. She was not qualified enough to make predictions on how other people felt.

Aprile’s words of her new situation washed over Tammy, especially her admittance on the need for secrecy. A smile grew into a facetious smile as Aprile mentioned that she had been thinking. It seemed strange to think that that was a huge step, as thought controls all of what people do and say, even if it is only the thought that constricts free thought.
“That was a big step,” Tammy praised. “I think it’s a good idea. That way you can live a semi normal life. You do not need to ask me for permission. I’m not allowed to give advice.”
She winked playfully, her more spontaneous side coming through. Some people were not comfortable with Tammy’s light hearted nature and preferred a more serious psychologist. This would be the moment when she found out which Aprile preferred. She could easily do both however the one was less like who she really was. She laughed softly, but not scathingly. It was more a laugh of affection. Her eyes glowed softly in amusement, as she found it difficult to realise

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&bull TAGS;; Open
&bull NOTES;; Yay muse!
&bull WORDS;; 905
&bull OUTFIT;;

[NALEAN KAILYN SILVERSTAR]

Nalean nodded at Aprile "Same here, I've also heard quite a bit about you." she said slightly surprised that Aprile had returned her smile, she knew that usually smiled when introducing herself just because it made people more welcome. She just hadn't expected Aprile to smile back. "Exactly what did you tell her about me Tammy" she asked glancing at Tammy. Now that she thought about it Aprile's smile seemed out of habit, not because she truely wanted to. She frowned slightly, she had been warned by Tammy that Aprile had been in the regime and needed help.

The frown lingered as she listened to Aprile's words, they would have to help Aprile realise that just admitting that she was struggling was progress. Actually it was a huge step towards full recovery. She smiled at Tammy's words. "Acceptance is the first and most difficult step" she said smiling gently at Aprile. "It's a step that can take some people years to take, besides that's why Tammy's here. To help you, and I think I'm supposed to be here for moral support" she said grinning at Tammy, she had an idea of how to help Aprile express herself better. She just needed to see if Tammy agreed with her idea. She put her backpack on the floor, opened it and started digging around in it. She stuck her tongue out slightly as she struggled to find what she was looking for. "AH HA!" she said when she found what she was looking for.

She pulled a plain notebook out of her backpack. She stood up with the notebook in her hands. She couldn't help but smile when Tammy asked Aprile about her feelings towards Albus, her idea did involve Aprile talking about her feelings after all. Okay so she had to give credit to Tammy for her coming up with the idea in the first place, although she doubted that Tammy had even thought of that. She was sure that it would benefit Aprile alot, since this way she could keep track of her feelings. "Speaking of feelings, I got an idea about that" she said grinning at Tammy, "Don't worry it's perfectly harmless" she said reasuring Tammy and Aprile. "It involves this" she said and held up the notebook. "Why doesn't Aprile write her emotions in here, sort of an emotion journal" she suggested, hoping that Tammy would agree with her plan. She thought it was a brilliant idea, but that didn't mean that Tammy would agree with it. She was the qualified psychologist after all.

She nodded in agreement with Aprile's words, she liked the idea of a disguise. It would probably also help Aprile express herself better as well. "I like that idea"she said with a thoughtful expression on her face. "A red head" she mused to herself. She suddenly realised that Aprile might think that she was completely insane. "Oh sorry, I was just thinking random thoughts. Don't mind me" she said with an apologetic smile on her face. She glanced at Tammy, she seemed to like the idea as well.

TAGS:open
WORDS:514
NOTES:Posted![/size]

[APRILE KATHRINE PRINCE]

Albus. Wasn't that a topic that Aprile could speak forever about. Her feelings towards Albus were very... very jumbled at the moment. And Aprile wasn't used to making sense of emotions lately. Under the new regime, your mind controlled your heart. You only felt what you were told to feel.. what you were allowed to feel. The wizarding world had truly been turned into one big stage, with the Regime as it's director, and the wizarding community as the actors, who faked every smile, laughed and came across as so natural, when all they really wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry. Aprile was trying to dig deeper into her heart... for once she was trying to allow her heart to gain control of her mind, and it was a lot harder than one would've expected it to be.

Aprile sighed, What did she feel about Albus? Thinking about it wasn't helping... maybe if she spoke... if she spoke the words out loud, may she'd be able to make more sense of it. "Albus... I'm very... confused there." Confused, that seemed to be the best word to start it off with. That's how she felt... confused. Unsure. "I... i'm angry. Upset. I can't believe what he's done! What we've done! It... I... it's... I just hope that he could try to see the world the way I'm seeing it now." Aprile was lost for words, she inhaled deeply, trying to stablize her tongue. She wasn't normally this... broken. She wasn't ever this vunerable to speech. She often stood strong, and voiced all she needed to out loud without hesitation. But this... speaking about herself, her thoughts... her emotions, it was different. Harder.

"I know he didn't mean to do this... I... I'm worried." she concluded. She licked her lips. That was the best way to put it... she was worried. Albus was a very close friend, and a very significant figure in her life. She couldn't help but worry for him... the part of her which despised him... which despised herself... for doing this to the wizarding community, it was minute against the part that worried for Albus, for she knew that when Albus did come to terms with what he'd done- ( if he ever did ), he'd be absolutely shattered. He'd be torn. He didn't mean for things to be this way. She didn't. None of them did. They were just trying to make things better for everyone... but in attempt of doing that, they'd taken away everyone's freedom. Their individuality.

Aprile inaheld once more- concentrating on her breathing helped. It helped keep her calm. Her eyes flickered over to Tammy, and she allowed a small smile to form on her lips at Tammy's attempt at playful humour. Aprile really appreciated how hard Tammy... and Nalean were trying. She was glad that she'd met Tammy, and she really respected the lady for who she was. Tammy was a strong, brave woman, and Aprile had to admit, that she still couldn't riddle out why Tammy'd agreed to help Aprile. Aprile'd been one of the root causes of the New Regime, and that was a well known fact. Aprile was the face of the Regime, she promoted the Phoenix party. She was the reason the wizarding folk were the way there were now, and yet, Tammy could overlook all of that, and agree to give Aprile a second chance. Aprile couldn't see how she could possibly repay Tammy, or any on the side of the Rebellion.

Nalean's voice interpreted her thought process, and she couldn't help but raise her eyebrows rather apprehensively at the notebook. Right down her emotions!? The first thought that crossed Aprile's mind at the thought of the words was the fact that, that was perhaps one of the most outrageous things she'd ever heard, and she was ready to decline the suggestion. But she bit her tongue. She had to stop acting on the way her mind told her to. She had to think, think carefully. Maybe... maybe what Nalean had suggested wouldn't be a bad idea afterall. "Yes.. maybe I could." she replied, nodding at Nalean. Aprile attempted another smile for Nalean and held her hand out for the book. She had to admit, she liked the blonde female. She came across as an extremely pleasant and free willed person.

And even though that went against all that Aprile'd been trained to believe in, she couldn't help but feel a certain pull towards the blonde. Tammy still had a bit of a guarded Aura around her, one which prevented Aprile from understanding the lady completely, Nalean on the other hand... Aprile got a feeling that what you saw was what you got with the girl. Ofcourse, Aprile could always be wrong, afterall it was only an instinct, yet, she couldn't help but feel slightly more comfortable with the blonde's cute aura around. "Red hair's actually quite a good Idea. Thank you." she said, for once allowing a bit more of a genuine smile to touch her lips, although it only lasted for a couple of fleeting seconds.

"Tam - Tanya..." Aprile hesitated, as she turned her head to look directly at the dark-haired female. "I... sometimes, I feel like I may just go insane." she sighed, if this was going to work, maybe being completely honest would help. Right now, Aprile just really needed something... someone to confide in. And these people... they were here to help. Aprile knew they wouldn't betray her. She could trust them... if not completely, atleast attempt to let them in... a bit. "I'm trying to defy everything that I've been believing in for years. Sometimes, when I allow my mind to fall back, allow my emotions to take control... I feel like I may explode. I.. thought you might need to know that.."

[TAMMY SILISIA DE'ATH]

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To Tammy’s surprise, Aprile seemed to ignore her other questions. A slight look of curiosity touched her eyes as Tammy brought her fingers through her hair. A habit she tended to do when she was in deep thought. However, she deduced the lack of reply as a discomfort to go to those areas. She made another mental note, being sure to come back to them eventually. One of Tammy’s less attractive traits as a therapist was storing up hard topics and asking difficult questions on them. However, now Aprile was talking of her own accord and needed no interference on Tammy’s side of things. She would wait for the conversation to dip into a lull, if it did. She would prefer it not too and that Aprile remain engaged within the session but things happen and sometimes some topics are still too painful to work with yet. Curiosity was beginning to build about Aprile. What had made her changed her mind? There were so many people so caught up within the rules and regulations of the Regime that they did not even think about what they were doing. A slight twinge of anger reminded Tammy why she had defied the formation of the group.

Putting her own thoughts on their little shelf, Tammy regarded what Aprile was saying once again. She nodded slightly, and leant into the conversation as Aprile began to explore her feelings. A small sense of pride arose, dancing at the edge of her mind. Although Aprile could not see progress at the moment, Tammy could see the enlightenment seeping through her clouded psyche and see that Aprile was at the beginning of a very promising journey. It was hard not to only do this whole process for Tammy’s own selfish desires. She had long wished that the creators of the Regime feel the guilt of their creation but now, when she actually met them, she could not help but loose her own desires and replace them with the desire to help them in their own world.
“Why are you angry at yourself?” she asked softly, probing Aprile to talk more about how she was feeling. “I know it sounds like a silly question but it may help you to answer it. I also want to understand how you see the world.”
She placed a lot of emphasis of the word ‘you,’ really trying to convey the focus of the question. Tammy was not out to gain some kind of satisfaction from Aprile squirming in self guilt or loathing, she was just really trying to understand what it would be like living in Aprile’s world.
“How do you see the world now? What exactly do you want him to see?” she asked softly, gently trying to unravel the complexity behind Aprile.

Something about her that made Tammy wonder, other than the fact that she had help create a world where all people were essentially controlled.
“Take your time. I can see this is hard for you,” Tammy encouraged softly, noting Aprile’s vulnerability. A twinge of compassion erupted for the young girl. She looked away, giving Aprile a moment to gather her thoughts again. Tammy herself, could not imagine what she was going through. it seemed strange to think that people actually did live with no thought controlling their impulses and only conformed to what the governing system wanted rather than what they as people wanted. To her, it was beyond understanding. Perhaps Aprile would help her through her helping Aprile to live her life again. Such was the strange ways of the world. Even those delegated to help often ended up gaining from giving. This was one of the reasons she had chosen to do this job. She had stumbled across it when she did not know what to do with her life.

“What are you worried about?” she asked. The statement seemed strange. Was she worrying about Albus or what he may, may not do, or was it something different? Perhaps it was the anxiety of changing her world. There was no use in speculating really. Tammy and Aprile were different people. Tammy always had to check herself that she did not become over eager. She tended to over-think everything. While she enjoyed it, she knew that with people it was not very helpful. Tammy glanced up in surprise as Nalean added her say. the girl was so lively and filled with unchecked energy, it threw Tammy just a little. Tammy herself was always a calm collected person, living within her own world and barely surfacing for air from reality. While this made many people unsure about her, she did not mind the guarded air she held. If people were tactful enough they did managed to chip away at the wall a little bit at a time.

Tammy nodded slowly then turned her head in Aprile’s direction gag her response. It was probably a foreign thought writing down emotion which actually meant admitting that they existed and played a substantial part in the world she lived in.
“How do you feel about keeping an emotion diary?” she asked. While Tammy sometimes tired of the process of reflecting and checking in with the clients feelings she knew it was necessary. People often took what they were feeling for granted, especially those who had been trained to feel nothing at all. When Nalean started musing to herself, Tammy could not help but let a warm laugh of mirth touch her lips. Her eyes twinkled softly as she observed the very down to earth girl.

Once again, she glanced back at Aprile as she began to talk again. She found the use of the name Tanya still foreign and uncomfortable, especially since today she was acting as herself. Her heart was overwhelmed by the impact of her next words. The poignancy of it all always managed to make an impression on Tammy.
“Thank you for telling me that. That was a great step in trust,” she said softly. “This process is going to be very uncomfortable and things are going to get worse before they get better. Your old beliefs, unfortunately, are not just going to step aside and let you move on. It’s important that you are congruent about what you are feeling so that we can manage it when things get too bad.”

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&bull TAGS;; Open
&bull NOTES;; Yay muse!
&bull WORDS;; 1056
&bull OUTFIT;;

[NALEAN KAILYN SILVERSTAR]

Nalean let a smile of sympathy appear on her face as Aprile spoke about Albus. She could understand why Aprile was confused about Albus. After all until recently Albus had been a trusted friend of Aprile's. "Maybe he will see the world as you see it, but you can't control when and if that ever happens" Nalean said softly. She knew what it felf like to put your trust in some one and to one day realise that you and that person had different views of the world, and they would then use this against you.

She frowned slightly as she thought about what measures the regime had taken in 'preventing' evil. She had been forced to live under the regime rules when she had attended Hogwarts and had hated every second of it. She had hated forcing a bright smile everyday and had often gotten in trouble for not acting happy twenty four hours a day.Nalean had actually been surprised when Tammy had told her that one of the founders of the regime had joined the Rebellion but now she could see why Aprile had joined the Rebellion. Who knows what might have happed if Aprile had remained with the Regime, she could even have been driven insane from the guilt which she felt.

She watched Aprile take a deep breath and heard Tammy telling her to take her time. She felt sorry for Aprile, in an attempt to prevent evil from rising again, the Regime had unknowingly become that evil. She smiled to herself as she thought how ironic that was. Of course she broke the silence that had started forming by suggesting the emotion diary. She grinned broadly when Aprile said that maybe she could keep an emotion diary. She passed the book over to Aprile. She had purposefully gotten a plain notebook as it would stand out less than other books. She knew that Aprile might be slightly surprised by the way Nalean said basically what ever was on her mind, but that was how she had always been. She was sure Aprile would get used to her soon, Tammy had.

Even though Aprile said that she liked the idea, Nalean couldn't help but blush slightly. She sometimes would say things at times which other people would consider completely inappropriate times. She was surprised when the smile on Aprile's face was a more genuine one than the one which the regime expected everyone to paste on their faces. The fake smiles that seemed almost painful as people tried to keep the smiles on their faces at all times. She listened as Aprile admitted that when she allowed her emotions to take control she felt like she may explode. She smile sympathetically, Aprile was just giving them a symptom of bottled emotions. "Don't worry about that, once you're used showing your emotions properly you'll still sometimes feel like exploding. It will just be a controlled... explosion" she said shrugging glancing at Tammy. "That is the right kind of description isn't it?" she asked her.

TAGS:open
WORDS:507
NOTES:Posted![/size]

[APRILE KATHRINE PRINCE]

"I'm angry... at how overboard we've become. We were only trying to protect the people... but instead, we've taken away all their freedom, taken away individuality."

[/b] It took Aprile, a long, long moment to string those words together, and manage to get them out. She still wasn't comfortable speaking about it, because when she did, she could feel her heart overpowering her mind, and that just didn't feel right. She could feel the tearing need inside her, that just made her feel like the need to harm herself... to somehow inflict pain upon her. It only seemed fair right? To have the pain she'd inflicted upon others, to be inflicted back upon her. She didn't deserve to get the... easier way out. She felt like she wasn't good enough, she felt like a monster. Ultimately, was she... was the new regime, any better than what Lord Voldemort had been?

She sighed, as the thoughts formed in her mind, her eyes began burning. But she wouldn't allow herself to cry. No, she couldn't. She closed her eyes, making sure that no water would be dripping out when she opened them again. She wasn't aware if her eyes were bloodshot or not, but they didn't feel like they were burning anymore. She took in a deep, surprisingly steady breath.

"I can see how... restricted, how fake people are."[/b] she said, surprised that her voice came out this strong, this even. She was expecting it to be crippled and broken, just like the way she felt inside. She was waiting for her mind to loose control any second, and tears to flow out of her eyes. But it didn't happen. And she was thankful for it. She bit her bottom lip, as she spoke again. "They're like... like puppets. And us... them... the Regime... they're the puppet masters. It's cruel, it's unfair, it's vile!" she took in another deep breath, she was really... 'getting into this'. She bit her bottom lip, as she tried to calm herself down a bit. Loosing control wasn't right. "The Rebellion... the muggles... they're all so free. They're all so happy. I mean, just because something like the Dark Lord's reign occured once, or twice, doesn't mean it's certain to happen again is it?" she looked slightly helpless as she raised her head and switched her gaze from the blonde, to Tammy.

"As long as the humans live, there are bound to be those few who wish to be superior, but that doesn't mean that we ought to take away everyone's right to live! To be individuals! Nessecary measures must be taken... but only against those who we forsee as a danger. Not everyone deserves this." She sighed, this was it. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She'd never been this outspoken about her thoughts before, but it was hard to stop once getting started. She'd held her tongue for too long, tried to stop herself seeing the devastation she'd been helping cause forever. Now that she had a chance to speak about it, she wasn't going to give up on the opportunity. This was her chance to try for some remorse. Speaking wasn't... exactly helping her inside, but it did help her clear her head out.

She still felt like she ought to be hurt, be punished. This wasn't working out the way she'd hoped. The more she spoke, the worse she felt. She felt worse about herself with every word she spoke- she got the feeling that she wasn't good enough, that people like her shouldn't be allowed to walk amongst all around her. She took another deep breath, leaving her thoughts hanging. She couldn't continue to think about things like this during these sessions... she couldn't be seen as too weak. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

Aprile absent mindedly combed her fingers through the ends of her hair and began fiddling with a couple of strands. "I'm worried that it'll be too late before Albus comes to his senses. The Regime isn't stupid, they're aware of the Rebellion existing. I'm afraid that things'll get to a stage of war." Aprile bit her bottom lip. What she wanted to say next was a lot harder for her to phrase than she'd have imagined. She felt like she was betraying all she'd worked for in the past decade. All that she'd believed would come crashing down on her as these words left her lips, because it'd make it real. True. She forced herself to get a grip on herself, and say it out loud. "The Phoenix party stands for peace, and safety. We enforced the Regime to stop any form of wizarding war breaking through in this country again... and ... and, that's exactly what we're doing. We're going against all we stand for." Aprile'd automatically slipped into plural- she still couldn't completely disown the Regime. She still felt responsible, and as long as she felt responsible, she felt like she were still a part of the Regime.

This was it. She couldn't stop herself this time. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She'd reached her breaking point. She tried not to let any more tears slip through her eyes, and was vaguely sucessfull. She shut her eyes, and kept them shut until she was certain that she wouldn't break down again. She opened her eyes, and everything was blurry. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, a small watery smile forming on her lips as she took in steady breaths to ensure her voice wouldn't break too. "Emotional diary... it'd be hard, but I could try." she managed to stutter out, as she took in another deep breath.[/blockquote][/size]

[TAMMY SILISIA DE'ATH]

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It was strange living the reality of one of the Regime leaders realising her mistake. A few years ago, Tammy would not have thought that it was possible. The smiling faces of triumph had littered posters that had once been displayed in a free wizarding world. Then, everything had fallen to the attractive prospect of some kind of safety against another dark wizard. No one seemed to care that the price of that safety would be his or her free choice. Not that many of those caught up under the Regime knew what had happened. All of them tended to believe that they were free. It was a weird realisation really. People seemed to be so brainwashed, it was almost impossible to reach them. She looked at Aprile and wondered why Tammy herself was not angry with the girl. The smallest of frowns touched her brow. Perhaps it was just the fact that she was showing remorse. She did not hate Albus either. It was a strange feeling, but perhaps there was truth in the saying that one cannot destroy hate with hate.

Tammy nodded to Nalean’s description of what would happen. It was about right, although sometimes things could get a little out of hand.
“Just remember to tell us how you are feeling so that we can help you through this,” she whispered gently, hoping that Aprile would trust them enough to open up about how she was feeling. Tammy imagined that trusting would be difficult, especially with the constant idea that the person next to you could be the next voldemort if he or she is a free thinker. The notion seemed beyond bizarre to Tammy, but she desperately tried to understand.

Tammy nodded to Aprile’s words, gently smiling in encouragement. She nodded to what she was saying, listening rather than indulging her own thoughts. She patiently waited for Aprile to finish talk, as it definitely seemed very difficult for her to speak of this. Tammy herself found it hard to comprehend not speaking her mind, but they were once people who took two very different paths. The soft sigh that emanated from Aprile attracted Tammy’s alert attention, and she notice the soft well of tears accenting the pain that dripped upon her words. A sea of compassion roared up and swelled behind the water breaker of her heart. Her eyes carefully regarded Aprile as the young woman fought to control the tide of emotion, by closing her eyes and shutting out the reality. Tammy remained silent, allowing Aprile to gain a hold of herself again. While she would usually encourage this display of emotions, but she did not want to force Aprile into an area which she was not yet comfortable with, such as displaying emotion in such an intimate way. For the first session, she was doing very well.

Aware that Aprile was getting herself together again, Tammy turned her attention back to her, waiting for her to speak. The tell tale rise of the woman’s chest indicated the gathering of control. To Tammy’s surprise, the next words seemed strong and very much in control. She nodded at Aprile’s deduction and her image of the Regime. She waited patiently for Aprile to stop, considering more than just her words. It seemed as though Aprile had crossed a line between the Regime’s desire for her to control her thoughts and being free. Tammy smiled slightly, and as she finished a small glow of pride took over.
“Wow, your saying that is a huge step,” she commended. “How does it feel to talk so openly?”
She smiled slightly, waiting for her answer, curious herself as to the way Aprile’s mind worked.

What Aprile said next was Tammy’s fear herself. If war did some, Tammy would have to abandon her guise as Tanya and lead countless people who support the Rebellion possibly to their deaths. She pushed her fears away; as this was Aprile’s time to reveal her fears. Tammy smiled softly as Aprile finally began to cry. She gently lent over to grab her box of tissues and offered one to Aprile. The gentlest of comforting smiles graced her lips.

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&bull TAGS;; Open
&bull NOTES;; Muse died. Bye bye muse.
&bull WORDS;; 693
&bull OUTFIT;;

[NALEAN KAILYN SILVERSTAR]

Nalean listened to Aprile's words with a thoughtful expression on her face. She realised how difficult it was for Aprile to say what she was saying, she had never been in a situation like the one Aprile was in, but at the same time she understood what Aprile was feeling. "It probably won't make you feel better, but the regime isn't the first group of people to go a bit overboard with their intentions" she said shrugging. She had been studying muggle history and she found it fascinating how a person's ideals could cause so much pain and death. The Nazi's, the Russian Revolution had all been a result of some one acting out on their ideals. Both had caused death and suffering, and the loss of freedom.

Nalean watched Aprile sigh and the close her eyes. She wondered if the regime had even realised while they had been trying stop the next evil from appearing that they could become that evil, or give the evil incentive to rise. She had heard rumours of a rebellion group that unlike the rebellion didn't want freedom, they wanted power. She frowned slightly as she thought of them, she wondered if Aprile knew about the rumoured group. Then again the rumours about this group was so vague that she didn't even know if they really existed.

Nalean decided to stay silent and give Aprile a chance to get everything out. She needed to, it was all part of the healing process. She frowned slightly when Aprile forced herself to not cry, she knew that it could be embarassing to cry infront of other people but Aprile needed to get all those emotions out. What Aprile said next was a fear which Nalean also had. She didn't want a war to break out but at the same time she knew that it might be impossible to avoid if the regime continued down the path they were going.

[APRILE KATHRINE PRINCE]

Aprile smiled a watery smile as she accepted the box of tissues, and wiped her eyes and face. Her eyes flickered over to Nalean, "Well, ultimately we are human. We continue to repeat our mistakes, out of ignorance, and hope that we'll succeed this time, but I daresay, we never do actually win." She laughed a quiet humourless laugh at her statement, and shook her head before yeilding her wand and flicking it in order to send the tissues in her hand flying into the bin. She watched the white paper cloth zoom over and drop, and she stared at the bin for a moment, trying to steady herself, before she looked back up at the two women.

Aprile thought she'd reached her limit for the day- she couldn't talk about herself anymore. She bit her lip, and looked at both the women, perhaps, it was time, to talk about her part in the Rebellion? She ran her fingers through her hair and licked her lips, choosing her words carefully before voicing them out loud. "I... I was also wondering. Wondering what I could do for the Rebellion." she wasn't sure if Tammy would want her out there, because if recognized, Aprile may just put the whole Rebellion at risk. 'Cause if the Regime decided to use veritaserum... Aprile shuddered. Veritaserum had been banned, but the Ministry still used it in order to interrogate those who'd been caught for wrongdoing or any form of treason.

She sighed, taking a deep breath before speaking again. "I don't know if you've heard... but... there are rumors, of another Rebellion group."

[/b] she started quietly, her tone calm, yet her eyes betraying the slightest hint of panic. "They unlike you, aren't after equality, they're after power. The Regime's made sure that no one finds out, because they don't want to cause panic... but then again, I'm sure you have your spies in the Regime?" a slight twinkle entered Aprile's eyes, as she looked from Nalean to Tammy, laughing softly. "Well, from what the Regime knows so far, the group calls themselves La Panthera, and they've caused one or two riots around the country, but they've been underground for a while."

She continued to switch glances between the two women, trying to build up to what she wanted to say. "I was thinking... seeing I do have a lot of training from the Regime, and I know exactly what sort of... loopholes there are..." she trailed off for a moment, rethinking what she was about to say. Would it be advisable? Aprile couldn't see why not. She wouldn't have to reveal herself in anyone in order to do the job, and if she were sighted, she wouldn't be recognized- she'd make sure her disguise was thick. "... maybe I could begin searching for more information on La Panthera?"[/blockquote][/size]